is it weird that i think eating a full size chocolate bar is a binge..

I feel huge…

I made 4 perogies for dinner. I could only eat 2 before i stopped, I couldn’t eat anymore.

I never thought I had a problem, but no matter how much weight I lose I still feel fat. I’m now down to about 122.2 ish lbs (last weekend when I was back home but I feel like that my weight is constantly fluctuating). I wear a size two, and somehow I can’t help but stress about my weight. 

I work with a girl who has an obvious and serious eating disorder. She is somewhat open about it, but at the same time very quiet about it. It makes me so sad because she is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met and I can’t understand why she could possibly be struggling with something this terrible.

I never like to think that I could have an eating disorder, I know I dont have a healthy relationship with food, and I dont know that I ever will. I feel like I’m now too far gone to ever go back to the way I was, though I don’t want to do that either. I never want to be the way I was, I love the person I’m becoming even though where I am isn’t where I want to be. I feel like in the past 2 years I’ve fucked a lot of shit up and really haven’t talked to it about it to anyone, ever. And I might not ever be able to, especially because I’m now just too far gone.

Somehow, I’m still the happiest I’ve ever been. I have a few more things I need to straighten out, and hopefully that will work out within the next week or so. I hope that within the next couple weeks I have myself figured out. I hope that by the time I turn 20, I can say I’m happy and have things figured out. 

Just some random dinner time thoughts I guess.

nothanksimnothungry:

but it absolutely boggles my mind that I will say I am twenty.

twenty.

“How old are you?”

twenty.

I’m not twenty. Nowhere near twenty. I so fully feel nineteen, and I can’t imagine that a few months will change that.

twenty.

I honestly cannot wrap my head around that. 

Sorry for that random rant, but its been eating away at me for a bit now. 20.

ewwwww.

just a little while away for me. twenty feels so old

I’m wearing a size 2 in shorts.. and somehow I still feel fat. A few months ago I dreamed about being a size 2, dreamed about having a size small feel loose. 

but the weird part is I don’t feel as good as I thought I would, kinda disappointing…

so when i weighed in at the gym i was actually 125 not 120. even though i’ve started going the gym and also kinda lost a little weight i’ve seriously been slacking so much. i havent been restricting really or even counting. 

yesterday was canada day… lets just say it was a day full of eating and drinking.

the rest of july will be done right. so far i’ve had brunch since i woke up late, yogurt(35), 1/2 c cheerios (50) and a few strawberries/raspberries. 

So I’m down to 120 according to my friends scale.. Its hard to believe and it means I should be almost done but I don’t feel like I’m where I want to be but also feel like I shouldn’t go much lower!